3/31/24a - egg hunt
its easter aka the time jesus died and came back as a bunny
stick around
1/7/24a - if only smash then remix
so apparently a few days ago that mod of a sweaty baby fighting game added banjo kazooby from that other baby game manchild youtubers like?
uh yeah give me a call when they add death and blood and killing
1/4/24b - exporting for web
been messing with the animation function in photoshop
i dont really know what im doing but you can get some decent looking weight if you tween and then selectively add/delete frames on the timeline
1/4/24a - chili from a can
do you think the 5 star chefs over at wolf brand chili meticulously studied elephant shit for the sake of making their canned waste look exactly like it
market research proves that people willingly shovel this shit down their gullet and they dont even care
12/25/23a - tony hawks pro trainer part 1
so yeah last night i finally got around to actually starting the whole pokemon randomizer shit i was talking about and i got decently far in while also facing a buttugly amount of bullshit. jade was on screenshot duty, huge props to her. also my capture card straight up blows fat chunks so try to bear with the weirdly yellow screenshots
skip
oh god a woman this game is more political than i thought. after choosing my dude and spending a weird amount of time on choosing my name this games worthless billion year long tutorial was finally ready to get started. i also need to mention that starting this game at night is absolutely the way to go
its crazy how good this crunched up ds game looks and its also crazy the game freaks will never make a game that looks this good ever again. this game also has a significant lack of falling through the floor and sucking fat shits. take notes
but fuck, it does suck that in the pokemon game with 2 rivals you cant name either of them. i dont want to name them the generic insults like ASSPOOP or CUMBUTT though, the actual move is to name them after some horrific sex crime. thats next level shit. ok whatever these are the 3 monsters thatre gonna haunt me for the rest of the game
oh hell no
im not touching that shit
are you fucking serious
i guess ill take the weird gears since they look the funniest out of the 3. then i basically won the entire game because since abilities are randomized and the gears turned out to have the best ability in existence
then i stomped the rat and oyster into the ground and proceeded to name the gears quagmire. in my head he looks like this
its kind of ironic that right after i get the most overpowered ability i possibly couldve gotten the first guy i found was a psyduck with the ability to get rid of it. i put the blobby duck in a ball and moved on. i wonder what else is on this route
oh ok
after i finished dicking around on route 1 and being forced to sit through a fucking pokemon center tutorial we got a visit from pokepeta and a guy who talks to animals for fun
wow i can finally run after 20 minutes. in the pokemon world normal shoes have little anvils inside. this is surely the work of shoeymon. anyway i kept catching shit so this is my team so far
it kind of makes it hard to know whos actually leveling up. then i got ambushed by a fucking bear with the trace ability which means it also got wonder guard. mold breaker doesnt work unless the dude breaking the mold is actually switched out so yeah the bear got wonder guard and bodied my duck. then i was forced to run away. the entire thing was so disorienting and i didnt get any screenshots so heres an artists interpretation
after some more running around and catching less than notable beasts and scrapping with trainers i was ready to fight the gym leader/juggler. it was so unremarkable that i dont even remember what he had and got his shitass badge without breaking a sweat.
hell motherfucking yes is what i would say if this was an accomplishment
after i was done with the guy he gave me cut so i had my knifey looking guy learn it. lowkey regret it since im pretty sure you cant forget hm moves but i guess its too late for that now. then i had to go into this ambient as fuck grove where some chick gave me the funniest looking creature yet. i named it dumb. also its a dragon. ok
then i was off to fight some guys beating the shit out of a pink blob so this scientist girl could take its dreams or some noise? all so i could get the c-gear which somehow had a billion features which nobody i knew ever used ever. there was shit like friend codes and the "entralink" and fucking video calls in this game and nobody did any of it. the jokes on us. we didnt know what we had. either way i was finally able progress after doing all that shit i didnt care about at all. i owned some preschoolers that thought itd be a good idea to fight klinkmire and yeah surprise, i won. it was at this point i realized that klinkmire was probably making this entire thing way too easy so i made the tough decision to put him in the daycare nearby. ill pick him up when i beat the champ. goodbye klinkmire. gone but not forgotten
thats probably a good place to end off. if these posts get too long and intrusive ill just move them to a different part of the site. oh also merry christmas i guess
12/24/23a - lets talk politics
how did gary johnson promote his campaign with this image in 2016 and not win the presidential election
fuck how did he not become president of the entire world
12/22/23a - tony hawks pro trainer part 0
been kind of bored lately and i probably hate myself so i was thinking it could be fun to play through a pokemon game. unfortunately pokemon is a horrendously snooze-inducing babyslop game for losers so i did the sensible thing and installed the universal pokemon randomizer to adequetely fuck my game up to the point of being kind of entertaining. also ill be playing pokemon black since its the best one by every metric
the program is pretty modular in how much you want to actually mess shit up and it generates seeds so i guess thats cool. i wont be looking at any kind of seed map or spoiler log but ill include my seed and config string if you feel like going on the same trip as me. i also generated a super random deluxe version which is way more fucked up. does shit like randomize types and evolutions and move pp and a whole ton of other crazy shit which i might get around to playing if i ever finish the normal rando run first. also im gonna be emulating this on this shitty chinese android handheld i own because i need to stay true to my mexican roots and use android os whenever i can
seed: 106867564868595
config string: 172GQgEBgLuAfEB9AEEAIYeISkEkAEAFAAVAQABAAAAAAAAAAAyEVBva2Vtb24gQmxhY2sgKFUp+PfwMuPDOIo=
super random seed: 257004279342482
config string: 172OQICBgLuAfEB9AERAIYeISkE6AEAFAAVAR8CAAAAAAAAAAgyEVBva2Vtb24gQmxhY2sgKFUpCrlzA+PDOIo=
12/21/23a - eraserhead is cool
me and my friend saw eraserhead the other day. that shit was excellent. i dont have any witty comments about the movie or dumb similes to make about the baby, just watch it. david lynch is the shit
oh also ive been sick for the past few days so getting on my pc to post shit has been kind of hard but ive got some ideas in the oven im waiting to throw down on the bloge
12/15/23b - i cant draw but peep this shit
heres some trash i scribbled up on my tablet since my main homeslice jade hooked me up with photoshop cs3
oh i can also make hogsludge gifs
thats one sludge ass hog
12/15/23a - google drive and mediafire are free. also github
i hope discords little outage today taught someone out there that hosting files directly on discord is one of the dumbest things you can possibly do if you give even a semblance of a shit about whatever it is you want people to download
12/4/23a - why half life is actually good
i dont even know what its called but that blue healing goo shit was always my favorite part of half life. every time i lay my eyes on it all i can think about is shlopping it the fuck up like a thirsty hound
11/29/23a - henry kissinger died
lol
11/26/23b - who cares about football shut up
i was thinking about football the other day and it sort of dawned on me how hilarious it is. you might think that humans stopped killing each other for our entertainment centuries ago but no just tune into espn on sunday and youll see organized teams of animalistic armored assholes competing to see who can withstand the most brain damage before moving on to aggressively pack-snuggle the next team of ironclad douchebags and get even more brain damage. have you ever seen the brain of someone with cte? it has the consistency of jelly but i guess its worth it in the end if the nfl is paying you six figures a year to slowly kill yourself and others. hope you brought your pizza and chips
maybe its for the best though. whats this freak so excited about? a "touch down?" fat chance. odds are he actually just caught wind of an orphanage being burned to the ground which could only be put out by smothering the flames with dead puppies. look i guess its nice that i dont need to worry about actually being hunted by one of these astroturf-grazing gladiators but that doesnt mean i feel any safer around the people who throw their shit like a roided gorilla when their team of brain damaged rich guys loses against someone elses team of brain damaged rich guys. wait now that im reading this post again that kind of sounds awesome. i guess this post is useless now
with the exception of napoleon dynamite, superbowl 52 is still probably the greatest underdog story in american history
11/26/23a - willy wonka
guy: i like normal chocolate
willy wonka: i dont make that
11/2/23a - this is why you drive really fast at night
what do deer even do besides get hit by cars and die
is there anything else to even say
11/1/23a - cinema redefined
yesterday was halloween so i watched this. i turned it off after 45 minutes since it was straight ass but im going to talk about it anyway
shit. just by looking at this things cover youre already qualified to talk about it. consider yourself a leprechaun-in-the-hoodologist just now by taking a single glance. no false advertising here. theres a leprechaun. theres the hood. the leprechaun is in the hood. thats all you need to know. so what does the leprechaun even do? thats why youre watching at the end of the day.
a lot of rhyming and killing people and smoking weed. its sort of funny the first time but they clearly didnt think very hard about anything past the title of this movie because thats basically all he does. the rhymes kind of suck too. it takes some serious tenacity to write anything along the lines of "Look at all these glittering goods - I've got more loot than Tiger Woods!" i guess it makes sense but fuck dude this just sucks. the movie probably wouldve been slightly funnier if the leprechaun had no idea what the fuck was going on in "the hood" since hes not in 8th century ireland but yeah no im not gonna start listing off ways that a movie called leprechaun in the hood couldve been a more enjoyable cinematic experience. apparently the leprechaun raps at the end? god i bet i really missed out.
it really is just nothing. pretty sure a lot of movies like this only ever come out because they didnt exist before. what if there was a goofy leprechaun and it killed people. nobodys done that? ok were gonna do that. i guess it is sort of beautiful though that a room of douchebags will just sit around a table throwing shit at a wall and unanimously agree to make a piece of artless drivel because they have enough money to. borderline respectable how bad it is. i dont know how they managed to make 8 of these things so theyre clearly at least a little profitable but lets be real how many saint patricks day movies does america really have to chew on in the first place. maybe its concept was just too genius for its own good
that leprechaun really was in the hood
10/27/23a - trying to process garfield gets real
i just watched garfield gets real. then i had to watch it again. jim davis you coke fiend. where the fuck do i even begin with this thing? not once in my life have i seen such a cocksunk flick that just casually drops such an ungodly amount of qustions and proceeds to answer absolutely none of them, but garfield got real i guess and all shit broke loose. i dont have jack shit to say about this movies writing or the actual plot. its bad i guess? kind of crazy how jim davis started writing this thing in 1996 and released it in 2007 making this film an 11 year journey which didnt manage to make me unironically crack a smile even once. heres a suggestion big guy, maybe stick to your 3 panels about italian food. the plot is whatever. garfield goes into the real world or something, it doesnt really matter. what im here to talk about are the logistics of the world of garfield gets real and trying to decipher the exact mechanics of how any of this inane bullshit works. most of the time when people get bent out of shape over obvious cartoon logic its pretty dumb low hanging fruit because yeah no shit buggs bunny couldnt walk on the air until he figures out that he should be falling. its a cartoon. garfield gets real is different though. this movie blatantly shows you the innerworkings of the univers but then just refuses to elaborate to the point where it straight up cant be ignored so im just gonna bite the bullet and walk you through it because your guess is as good as anyone elses. i guess we could ask the j-man himself but shit whatre the chances of the guy ever seeing my shitty email. ok fuck here i go
the movie starts with the sun rising over the town like it needs sunlight to exist before garfield wakes up on you guessed it, a monday, because we all know thats one of the most classic garfieldisms you could possibly start off with aside from him shoveling lasagna into his gullet. this is actually going to be really important but it also wont be at all. seems to just be another day in the arbuckle house if you can ignore jons revolting teeth or the worst looking ketchup a computer has ever had the misfortune of barely rendering.
im not really gonna complain about the overall concept of garfield knowing hes in a comic since thats the entire point of the movie what with him becoming real and all that noise. its ridiculous and stupid and weird but in the grand scheme of things just the tip of the iceberg. the concept of cartoon characters making a meta production of their own existence isnt anything new but you need to start asking questions once you see garfield greeting his friends on his work before rolling up to a motherfucking garfield themed studio. shouldnt this guy be a multimillionaire from royalties by now? hes clearly a celebrity. or would jon be? i never really thought to ask myself what garfields rights are but lets ask ourselves our first real question. theres a garfield studio, so why is he actually living in the house from the garfield comic strip outside of work. is it to stay in character if the comics are all fake? sure he literally is garfield but is there a reason he needs to live as garfield from the comic? there seems to be no difference except his professional life seems to just mirror his home life. if this is his job and he has free will shouldnt he be able to do whatever he wants outside of the comic? or maybe this is just the way he is? it hasnt even been 5 minutes yet. i think im going to cry. jim really outdid himself with this one
oh ok. so garfield is an actor. hes the star of his own comic strip about his life and people treat him like an actor but hes also still garfield and acts like garfield. so "garfield" isnt a fictional character or an independent being with free will. hes both. what the fuck. same shit applies to all of his friends and everyone who works in this building too? nobody is playing a character but they simultaneously are besides for the ones who actually do stuff like set up the stages and write the scripts and everyWHAT HELLO
ok, tsar-breasted personal assistant(?) aside, garfield starts lamenting his job making comic strips and saying that its the same few shit jokes every day and its kind of surreal to watch. garfield, the monday hating, alarm clock smashing, dog kicking, lasagna consuming cat, is voicing how tired he is of his own tired 4 joke schtick, and it makes you wonder. is this garfield speaking? or is this jim davis being vocal about the monotony and repetition that plagues his own intellectual property? tired of these characters being unable to change? unable to grow? unable to evolve? who cares i really dont.
now its time to talk about how the they actually make the comic strips. with sets and props and stuff. ok? so theyre taking videos. they also have scripts and need to memorize their lines for some reason even though every comic strip is only 3 panels and theyre not even shot in one take. then they take the videos and plug them into some weird machine that adds speech bubbles and turns the characters into stylized versions of themselves
seems weirdly limiting if you want to make a comic with more than 3 panels but whatever
when they finish the comic they put it in this big scanner thing and then put it into the real world. like they can take the comic they made and then use satellites or some shit and then beam it into the real world onto real newspapers. now how the fuck is this supposed to work? i can concede that cartoon characters have access to their own mystical cartoon technology but i guess they just have power over reality now. sure theyre just shooting comics into newspapers now but whos stopping them from just beaming some obscene tattoos onto your arms? does this technology only extend to ink? its also never explained whos writing these comics because it doesnt matter at all. oh, also all the characters can go to the stage and the dude in the control booth can use any comic as a window to view the real world. if youve ever jerked off in the same room as comic strip, theres a very real possibility that garfield and friends got a front row seat. nermal probably jacked off too
seriously what is any of this shit
ok so garfield gets so fed up with the comic world that despite the fact that the control room guy says that once you go to the real world you cant go back. must say a lot about the monotony of comic world if they really dont have any substitute for the real world but i guess ive talked about that at length by now. he jumps in through some pressurized tear in the stage/reality and ends up in the real world which is shaded differently but everyone is exactly as cartoony as in the cartoon world and also looks bad. now garfields friends and family can now spectate garfield from newspapers but they can also spectate him from anywhere and see what hes up to because of the weird satellite technology i mentioned earlier. oh well at least they cant talk to each other because their realities are separated. <=== FORESHADOWING. then garfield meets some disgusting friends because hes a stray now and stray cats cant find food. also theres this wretched thing. its gross and i will kill it.
would you believe me if i told you what happens next makes any sense? because you shouldnt believe that. since garfield went into the real world, i guess they cant actually make garfield comics anymore and put them in the newspaper since the real garfield is missing, so the newspaper company holds a contest to replace garfields strip. ok? so lets think, is the implication here that if garfield gets chosen to be the star of his own comic strip again hes able to go back into the comic world? that really seems to be what hes trying to do, but do the humans have a process for sending garfield back to his world? does that explain how garfield originally ended up in the comic world? once someone wins the contest, do they get a house and everything in the comic world like garfield or do their backgrounds/setting become real in the comic world like garfields? are they able to leave like garfield went into the real world? what if the newspaper decided to start publishing a godzilla comic strip, would a wrathful king of monsters be able to leave the comic and start thrashing shit the fuck up in the real world? weve already established that its possible for a comic character to enter the real world, so does that mean that the humans created the comic world for the soul purpose of making comics? i guess so? right now im trying to wrap my head around the possibly symbiotic relationship between the newspaper company and the comic world. the comic characters are pretty aware that its their job to make comics and i guess they arent being paid for it, so are they just being forced to create comics for the rest of their conceivable eternity aka when the newspaper company decides to stop printing them? what does this mean for the characters themselves??? i guess it means that the comic characters werent actually born but they were made? which i thought was obvious, but does that mean that none of the characters backgrounds actually happened from the perspective of anyone living in the comic world? these characters were created by jim davis, but does that mean that theyve always existed the way they are until written otherwise? do their personalities change off-set if they start to be slowly written differently? also if garfield is given his own strip back, how does he know that this transports him back into the comic world, and is this how he got into the comic world to begin with? is he familiar with the process that turns physical beings like the competitors as well as fictional characters into comic characters? there are characters at the contest which are supposed to replace garfield, so are they like. signing a waver to go into the comic world? or are they just acting like the character thats going to get transported into the comic world with their creators help? at the end of the movie one of the stray cats makes it into the comic world and appears in a comic, but how could he have been written into a comic by a person if no people were complicit with its arrival into the comic world? so just how much power DOES the comic world have over the real world? are the humans just trusting them to make something they can publish? do they not care? it gets established later that there IS still a way back into the comic world, so do the humans know about that? of course garfield wanted to escape, his and all his friends existences center around endlessly creating 3 panel entertainment for human beings. the comics dont have any "real world" of their own. no lives outside their basic personalities thatve already been written, so they dont have as much free will as i thought? the humans creating the comic world synthetically WOULD also explain why garfield lives as garfield both in the comic and his reality because the comic creators want to keep them the same and engineer them to not have ambition. why would the contestants want to go the comic world then? are the creators of these characters writing the scripts, or do they just trust the comic characters inside the comic world to do it? do the humans have contact with the characters they create once theyre transported to the comic world? is there a cross-dimensional writing team? id assume that if the newspaper company did create the comic world dude then the humans would have some sort of idea as to how the comic world works and they could talk to the characters through the newspaper..? maybe? but the characters talk to each other as if its their own production theyre putting on with no help from the outside world. like its just their job to make the comics, but they obviously need some help with the outside world so like.
fuck man i really do not care about this post anymore
10/23/24a - milk shakes
i dont think big milkshake wants you to know just how easy it is to make a milkshake because jesus christ its easy. 6 scoops of chocolate ice cream. 1 cup of milk. 2 tablespoons of chocolate syrup. blend that shit up. tastes perfect. what a scam
its literally not hard
10/23/23b - joe biden called a dude "fat" and i think everyone forgot how funny it was
out of every executive flounder ive seen over the past 20 years, none have really hit me as hard as the time joe biden, the 47th president of the united states of america, called some fat guy fat. if the bidenator just said to a guy "hey, youre fat" i wouldnt think about it so much, but theres a lot more to this than you might realize. remember how the title of this post puts the word fat in quotes? yeah that was important. theres this video from 2019 where joe is talking to this angry guy about how hes a liar or something? ok who cares. then he calls the dude fat. like. he calls him fat.
joe biden calls a dude fat as if its his name. like his name is fat. he says "look, fat, look, heres the deal." holy shit. probably one of the smartest plays ive ever seen and it feels like nobody remembers. people use adjectives like ugly all the time as names to taunt people in movies and stuff but referring to somebody as fat is kind of next level if you think about it. is he slowly trying to change the common americans vernacular with subtle rare wordplay? is he just insane? not making any decisions here but maybe this dude is smarter than you might think. nobody can know for sure
who are you really
10/23/23a - i just had to watch 2 ads on youtube before i could watch a 2 second long video of fat albert saying hey hey hey
has capitalism gone too far?
10/22/23a - OFF review
alright so lets get everyone up to speed on what OFF actually is for all the bros and grandmas in the audience thatre in the dark or just dont care about rpgs. OFF is a game by this french dude named mortis ghost, which is unironically the most badass name ive ever heard in my life, and music composed by alias conrad coldwood. a considerably less cool name, but still a cool ass name. it was made in rpg maker 2003 and released on may 14 2008. shits been sitting in my backlog for the past several years and yeah, i guess you could say it was pretty good.
basically you play as this stoic douche named the batter. hes the shit and doesnt care about anything besides beating the fuck out of spectral invaders with a baseball bat and yeah thats actually pretty much it actually. the whole time these timid worker dudes thatre literally everywhere are constantly telling you to not go here or not do that and the batter kinda just says something along the lines of "no." its this black and white bastards sacred mission to "purify" whats left of the world and he really doesnt let anyone or anything get in the way of that, including you, the one playing the game, which reminds me that this game gets kinda meta sometimes. i think all the main characters at some point acknowledge the fact that youre a guy who actually exists and that youre the one guiding the batter around on his quest. sometimes characters like the judge straight up talk to you and tell you the business whenever he finds it necessary. other times zacharie will be all "oh yeah this is a video game. hee hee." not really ground-breakingly meta and genius or anything but its a pretty cool way to tell the story when it kinda dawns on you that you and the batter are quite literally fucking shit up together. imagine the ending of earthbound but more narratively relevant or whatever. funnily enough mortis never actually played earthbound before making OFF. im not really here to talk at length about the crude trash that ive been cooking up on and off in rpg maker for the past 2 years but while playing i noticed that a load of concepts in OFF were hella similar to a load of concepts ive already worked into my project to a point where it was a little jarring. obviously theyre presented differently but it was pretty cool to see, all things considered. its a pretty short and linear game for the most part, which isnt a bad thing at all. linearity = bad is probably one of the most rancid gamer takes thats ever existed when it comes to gamer takes actually relating to video games. that being said, a lot of gear towards the end of the game is super missable so i need to recommend that you revisit the zones again once youre all done with enoch. heres the basic gist though. you go from zone to zone solving puzzles, talking to people, getting some badass lore dumps about the work everyones slaving away at, purifying shit like its water, and trashing the big bad boss guardian of each zone at the end. between the zones you get some seemingly unrelated cutscenes of another thing with this goofy looking kid going on that kind of vaguely piece together a story, but honestly even by the end its still pretty vague and a lot is still left up to interpretation. cool as fuck if you ask me. as much as i want to get into detail about purification and everything that goes on in the last act of the game, this shitass review is already getting too long and its best to just go in blind, shocker. in terms of difficulty it really wasnt too bad, its rpg maker 2003. rpg maker 2003 has this kind of wackyass ff7ish timing-based battle system that nobody really knows how to make feel natural or make fun but it works well enough. for basically every fight including a few bosses, i was actually able to beat almost everything using the auto-fight function with health to spare. it doesnt really help that the save points littered around each zone revive your entire party and also completely fill your health and competence points. didnt find myself using items in battles much either. by far the hardest time i had was when i was revisiting an zone near the end and these assholes that poisoned me and put me to sleep were fucking everywhere, but even then i was able to bail from them almost every single time. the difficulty in general didnt really bother me but that junk is probably worth mentioning. oh yeah. i forgot to also mention that the batters only friends are floating circles.
i dont know how i got this far in the review without mentioning the art. christ this motherfucker can draw. mortis ghosts art is so fucking good. besides for most of the assets in the blocky and colorful overworld, all the battlesprites and character portraits were ripped straight from ghosts sketchbook and shrunk down with nearest neighbor to fit rpg maker 2003s iconic 320x240 canvas. it makes for a ridiculously distinct style. you can find a bunch of the uncompressed assets online with minimal effort and compare them to how they look in game, its neat as hell. my favorite example of this is probably the batters battle sprite, which is a full body render of him shrunk down to a borderline comical extent.
later on you go from enemies that are cool and fucked up to enemies that just look straight up wrong. really hard to describe them in detail but its some freaky deaky shit. this dude just doesnt miss
the weird thing is that if you look at the concept art youll see that these weirdos are actually supposed to be wearing luchador masks, but when theyre shrunk down like this they just look viscerally fucked up. its sick
the music in off doesnt miss either, coldwood did a damn good job here. a lot of the overworld music is so chill and ambient until bam. youre hit with fuckin peppersteak. what a sweet track. really gets you in the mood to fuck some specters up. its totally the song this game is known for, but later on youll also find yourself fighting to whats pretty much the screams of the damned, and the atmosphere is like. woah . theres a whole handful of great tracks to just vibe with, and it compliments the punchy ass sound design which hits so hard so well. avatar beat is probably one of my favorite boss themes in any game ive ever played, its fantastic and im not being hyperbolic when i say that shit rocks you to your core. like. hell yeah.
OFF is short, sweet, and free. youre doing yourself a disservice by not playing through the entire thing. OFF gets 4.5 out of 5 sludges. luke out.
10/21/23b - nicolas cage review
as much as id like to say i have some nuanced opinions on nicolas cage, i dont. i just think the guy is pretty cool no matter which way you slice it, and if you think otherwise, chances are you have a stick so far up your ass your prostate is singing mary had a little lamb in g major. im glad your butthole is having a great time, but your takes still need some work. where do i begin with this guy
ok so yeah, i know this is my second post today about a dudes face, but you really cant ignore it when the topic at hand is nicolas cage. i dont really feel like making some obnoxious theatrical simile about it this time so im just gonna be blunt and say that cages face is kinda strange. unlike so many actors in the business, nic doesnt really just look like some dude. ben stiller? yeah hes hilarious but he just looks like a guy. adam driver looks like a guy but ugly. steve carrel? yeah hes certainly a guy. mark wahlberg is also a guy. a mediocre one, but a still a guy. nic cage does not look like just any guy, hes one of a kind. ive seen probably hundreds of seth rogen lookalikes in philadelphia alone, but cages face is one of a kind. is it an attractive face? i guess he was pretty handsome back in the 80s, but his face really took a form of its own after firebirds came out. i asked a bunch of moms their thoughts on how attractive they think nic cage is and the common consensus is that they dont find him attractive. some never did. some thought he used to be decently attractive in his earlier years. i even learned that my friends grandma was gifted a fucking cardboard standee of him in gone in 60 seconds at a video store.
the real kicker with this guy is that you always know exactly what youre getting into because you say to yourself "oh im going to watch a nicolas cage movie" the moment his face enters your mind. basically none of them are high art, but you kind of cant deny that he knows exactly what hes doing. he has a lot of range too. do you know how many movies hes in? nic cage is casted so much because directors know he can have fun with basically any role and respect that. regardless of how weird you think the guy looks, even then, his face is so iconic and recognizable. not a bad attribute at all if youre an actor. besides, most people dont even say hes "ugly" or "handsome." you know what most people say? most people say he looks like nic cage, because just maybe, none of us deserve to know an adjective that can really describe the dude. hes been in a lot of shit especially lately too. the old way was decent, mom & dad came out a few years ago and it was pretty funny, apparently he was great in the new spiderman flick, and i still need to watch dream scenario. what a dude. id probably give him 4 and a half sludges out of 5.
anyway i made him green
10/21/23a - i saw an alien on the news
pretty self explanatory post. the news was on but just before i could change the channel i saw this extraterrestrial hornswoggler
if your reaction to this visitors face is anything less than "ew what the fuck even IS that" im fully convinced that you two stepped off the same mothership and are probably telepathically plotting to kill me now for figuring you out
10/20/23b - a post about bootlegs
to start you off with some context, my lovely partner likes this one character from this video game. a lot. they like this character so much that they went as far as buying a plushie of him. see, i usually dont have problems with stuff like this. you like a character and want merch? sweet. im not gonna act like my spending habits are wiser than anyone elses, but the issue here is like. ok, listen. my partner is great. theyre just so sweet and lovely- but you know what isnt just so sweet and lovely? this thing
this fucking thing. oh my god it makes me laugh so damn hard, its so ugly. this ugly plushling is so damn off model and so far past teetering on bootleg material that i can literally see it growing bootfeet and boothips with a boottorso and bootarms starting to take shape the longer i look at every one of its hideous fibers. im not gonna claim to have ever been close enough to this caprine lumpfest to smell it, but you can just tell that it reeks of coach seats on board the ali express or hazardous toxic materials. bootleg figures and plushies like this are notoriously made with toxic materials. how cool is that. look at it. it doesnt even have hands, and the longer you look at it i swear it starts morphing before your very eyes, slowly forcing you to realize each and every thing wrong with it. that glob of slime supposed to be a hat. its face is so viciously nothing that it looks like a doctor is gonna come through the door and tell me that the lobotomy was a complete success at any moment, and for something thats supposed to be a goat, its snout is more akin to a swolen bulbous nose. is this thing is really even art? obviously it is, but i thought that asking such a ridiculous and stupid question to help you understand how unserious this blog post is would be funny. i guess it was only kind of funny. youd have to be a real moron to think i actually give any real fucks about this goat wizard thing.
dont let any of this drivel distract you from what this post is actually about. i love bootlegs. i think theyre awesome. what even is that picture up there? im even willing to say that sometimes theyre even better than the intellectual property theyre ripping off. if youve ever seen that speedy blue-quilled douchebag, youll know exactly what i mean. god i fucking hate sonic. this isnt me doing an annoying egoraptorism either, i just cant stand his games, personality, his voice, or the gaudy cast of zany technicolor characters he calls his friends. sonic 3 is amazing because it has the instashield, the music in rush is incredible. i guess vector is pretty cool too, but thats kind of it for me. oh yeah. bootlegs. sonic has so many bootlegs and theyre all awesome.
if youve been my friend for an extended period of time you probably know how much i used to talk about ogorki. maybe i talk about him slightly less than before, but i never actually stopped having a vast appreciation for ogorki and everything he stands for. if you want some obscure trivia about this dilated demon, you might be shocked to know that hes not actually a hedgehog. hes a dragon. proof? my friend pointed it out that it actually says "our little dragon recommends yummy, crunchiful pickles!" that actually blew my mind, and it should blow yours too if you respect yourself in any meaningful capacity. i dont even like pickles and that made me question my worldview. this post is way too long and shitty. eventually im gonna get around to talking about bootleg simpsons shit but we can cross that bridge when we get to it.
10/19/24b - gotta return that laptop i just got
i have no idea why but the display on this brand new laptop isnt showing colors right. namely turning a lot of blues purple. sure i can circumvent the problem by enabling this "hdr" color setting but that only works if its plugged in because showing the colors properly drains the battery too fast or some shit. i shouldnt need to go to a weird website and troubleshoot and fuck with drivers on a $1100 machine i picked up less than a week ago. get your shit together asus
it also fucks with reds and yellows and greens but its less obvious than the unwelcome royal ass purple. lame
10/20/23a - what the fuck is up with modded minecraft
while twitter was bitching and moaning about their 3 shitty mobs to vote for in their childrens block game, me and my homie astoria have been on a 1.12.2 grind with an obnoxious amount of mods. and yeah. it rules. it might be a complete wreck, but it rules. unlike most modpacks youll find made with tender love and care, i kind of just crammed a ton of cool looking shit together into a conglomeration of convoluted bullshit i dont even understand because i dont care as long as the game works. some people are all about wasting time fucking with configs, probably blissfully unaware of the fact that actually finding those exploits is one of the most fun things you can do, and theres an insane amount of things to do here. astoria is all about the tech shit and since theyre the one who hosts and plays the most besides me, i include pipe trash they wanted and in turn they build headache inducing factories while also sort of teaching me how it works. 9/10 times it goes totally over my head, but i have this wacky ass storage system with this stupid huge chest that uses chips or whatever. theres so much meat to chew on that we havent even gotten around to trying out most of the content i keep forgetting i actually added. like this thing called botania i barely get. i can give you a tour later. it really sucks, youre gonna love it
10/19/23c - i got so scammed
just got home after subjecting myself to the wettest floppiest chunkiest pizza ive ever eaten and im trying to wrap my head around the fact that this place unironically has 5 stars on google. literally how. pizza is a simple artform. you walk in, ask for some pizza, and some greasy schmuck or smokin babe (no in between) hands you something delicious a few minutes later. they dont talk about how fresh their ingredients are because they know that the only prerequisite for good tasting pizza is making sure the pizza tastes fucking good. its not theatrical. you just made your pizza look special by making it taste like shit, but people still find a way to love you because you went the extra mile and put a leaf on your sogfest. maybe youve fooled grandmas who dont know shit about a good slice, but i dont want any part in your bougie organic wetslop 30-hour-crust shitbrigade. you mean nothing to me
$20. be serious
10/19/23b
check out this guy
so goddamn cool
alright slow down buddy
i said slow the fuck down
you stupid cock
RAW STUNTS.
10/19/23a - tony hawk is fucking awesome
i cant sleep because im thinking about how cool tony hawk is again. tony hawk is so cool. all he does is skate and be chill as fuck and hes great at it. hes also on the cover of a shit ton of awesome video games which he playtested extensively. theyd give him betas and hed email the studio what to add or what to change and then theyd be all like "alright youre the man, tony." and they were completely right, he is the man. no wonder the two minute trilogy was so fine. come pro skater 5 im sure he didnt really care all that much but can you even blame him? he was probably too busy popping kickflips and pop shuvits while simultaneously loving his wife and raising his kids. every time tony hawk lands a kickflip they say an angel gets its wings. this is why angels dont fuck with us anymore. theyre too busy flying around because tony hawk gave them all the wings they could possibly ask for. one time i saw this video of tony hawk in a car yelling at skaters to do a kickflip. i doubt they even knew it was him, because tony hawk just looks like a guy. the guyest guy youve probably ever seen, which just makes his endless skateboarding proclivities even cooler. hes not done either. hes gonna grind until theres no rail unground. hes gonna leave the stratosphere doing a 9000 on the worlds slickest vert ramp. you cant stop tony. the very idea of doing such a thing is sickening. skate or die bitch
christ look at him go
10/18/23e - thoughts on babies
the gerber baby isnt even that cute. quite frankly i think it kind of looks like an asshole.
the affordable growup plan is probably a scam anyway. no growup plan can be that good if it only costs "pennies a day." grow up
10/18/23d - i have malware and you do too
what the fuck is even the point of virustotal if false positives are a thing that can just exist. wow, this thing has a virus. but it also doesnt. source: some dude told me (not the virus checking website).
no dude its safe it just says its a trojan
accepting this gift is a good idea.
who am i kidding im never going to stop downloading shit from weird websites
10/18/23c - pico-8 is actually really cool
if you told me that they made a fake video game console with a 1:1 aspect ratio with a resolution of 128x128 pixels and hella limited color palette, id probably believe you because people are coming up with new stupid shit all the time, but 2 pico-8 youtube searches later it turns out that its one of the sickest things ive heard of this year. for a "system" with so many hard limitations like size and color palette youd expect all these games to blow chunks. im sure a lot of them totally do, but jesus shit there are some impressive goods around the picosphere. i cant code to save my life and i cant even pretend to understand how any of it works but i literally couldnt resist shelling out the 15 dollar asking price. look at this shit.
probably the most wild part to me is how you can just export your game as html.
10/18/23b - i got a new laptop today
it has an intel i9 processor instead of an intel i5 processor. surely this means something
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10/18/23a - we are so fucking in business mark this day in the history books, for today sludgexp.neocities.org has finally somewhat sort of left its early alpha stage. its still pretty boring and there isnt much to actually look at, but the blog is here and that probably means that were in. motherfucking. business. were in so much business that bezos little bald nuts are quaking at the speed of light just thinking of how successful this website is gonna be, and im nowhere even close to done with loading it with certifiably cool shit. now the biggest website-related course of action is to actually start balming it up with content. more blog posts. shitty art. vertical slices of any shitty games i might be working on. photography. image edits. music. certifiably honest reviews. finishing up the live luke chat. recipes. tell your friends 
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10/17/23a - descarga en musica
do people who buy apples overpriced drivel even know how badass this dude is? just look at him. oh my god he does not give a single fuck. what a champ
jesus christ hes cool
